I expect all of you to comment on this, married or not. (although I'm particularly interested in the marrieds/involved in healthy serious relationship people).
Your spouse/significant other: source of your biggest frustrations, or source of your biggest comfort?
I imagine it is both; the person closest to you in the world would easily have the ability to most frustrate you/make you upset. For example, if your acquaintance breaks your lunch date for lunch with another acquaintance, you'd be put off, maybe. If your friend breaks your lunch date for lunch with another friend, you'd probably be upset. If your spouse breaks your lunch date for lunch with another lover, well, you'd be mad beyond belief. Granted, it would rarely be this extreme, but I can think of less extreme examples. For instance, simply because you are around your spouse so much, they have the opportunity to annoy you more than joe schmoe walking down the street.
For the second part of the question, I think a spouse would probably be your biggest source of worldly comfort, for obvious reasons.
So what about when these two roles come to heads? If your spouse makes you upset, do you then turn to them for comfort? Or do you turn somewhere else for comfort? Do you force yourself to make up so that he/she can comfort you? Or do you ever have to go to comfort in another person? Going to someone else could be dangerous... ratting on a spouse to friends/family when needing comfort after a fight could come back to bite you in a big way, the least of which is people knowing your marital problems and at some point having a closer spot to you than your spouse.
On the other hand, is it healthy to bottle stuff in if a fight is ongoing? Is it really possible to make up soon after every spousal fight, so you don't have to turn outside to another person for comfort? If you do make up after every fight, can the person you just fought with really comfort you well after that fight? Sure, in some way, they are the best one to comfort you. But sometimes it seems things would be a bit too raw for real comforting/consoling.
What do you married people do? And what do you other people think? I plan to leave up this post until lots of people have commented, so please get going!
6 comments:
Val, people write novels trying to answer your questions, so I'm going to have to oversimplify with my answers.
Your spouse/significant other: source of your biggest frustrations, or source of your biggest comfort?
At the beginning of our marriage, Carrie was the source of my biggest frustrations... we were both still leaving our family's cultures behind to create our own and had to learn a new way to live. It was too easy to look at her and think "she's acting like my last f-ing name is Langford".
Also, as I have matured, I've not taken out my day's frustrations on her like I used to (that's the temptation: she can't go anywhere if I act like an ass).
If your spouse makes you upset, do you then turn to them for comfort?
Not only yes but hell yes. We share a life (note the use of the singular). It would be lunacy for me to hold a grudge against the woman I will be with until one of us dies.
But...
In every city I've lived in, I've always had a friend that knows my junk. It's good to have someone that can tell you --and you tell them-- "I had a top five fight with my wife last week." As a Christian, I need community and confidantes that play a part in taeching me how to continue transforming my family's culture into the likeness of Christ.
I am a little curious as to what has instigated this line of questioning. Is there something I don't know?
As to your questions, the answer is, "Yes, your spouse is both the source of your greatest frustrations and your greatest comfort." How could it be any other way? That's what family is; that's what being close to someone means. Whoever knows you inside and out can give you the greatest encouragement but they can also hurt you the most--and in the big fights (and there will be big fights) the gloves sometimes come off.
You recognize rightly that turning outside of your marriage for comfort is dicey. Don't ever turn to your own parents. That's ALWAYS a mistake. But a good friend who will tell you the truth and who expects the best from you is a good thing to have.
At the end of the day, you've got to find your own way through the minefield. I've been married almost thirteen years, and I can't say that I have it all figured out. The first year is rough, and it does get easier, but it never gets easy.
Cashing in on RSS
Apple Computer Hewlett-Packard Intel Intl. Business Machines Microsoft Qualcomm Sun Microsystems Yahoo You know that blogs are cool, but do you know that blogs, and a related technology called RSS, may hold the ...
Hello,
you got a quite interesting blog here. I really enjoyed reading here and think I'm
going to bookmark it.
My Page is a hair regrowth review related
site. Check it out.
those last two comments are pretty trippy, eh? Butthat is so true about the bathroom scale! Ha!
I have to concur with Dallas and d. One must make up with their spouse. Grudges are stupid and they hurt you more than anyone else. Selfishly speaking, you'd be very foolish to shit in your own backyard, but lord nows we all do it...to our own chagrin!
Many times a real "make up" is not required. Some things are just glazed over, b/c they were really nothing in the first place. However, I have found that it REALLY pays to have friends who are completely neutral and who will call you on your shit : you, Clara Kate at one time. That way, you can bitch and whine, but they know your mate and they'll love you both regardless...well, in some cases they won't! Ha!
I don't know what I'd do w/o D. He is the greatest friend I could ever hope to have, but he cannot be everything to me. he is just a guy, but he's one helluva guy, and he's all mine!
well i think that married or not, it's always best to try not to hold grudges and make peace as soon as possible, given that it's a real resolution.
Anyway, how are you? Are you in Princeton now? How was your summer? Do you miss south bend at all?? Keep in touch!
Steve
I don't know how to answer your questions because Jo and I don't really have "fights". I think that is because neither of us really "care" about ourselves enough to even bother having them. There are annoyances, but I think we both know the other person isn't doing these things consciously to annoy the other person, so we pick and choose which things we even need to mention to each other.
Other people seem to have knock-down drag-out fights with each other. I guess we talk about disagreements when they come up, but the actual heated arguements are rare. I can maybe think of 2-4 in 10 years of marriage (14 years of being together), but like Co said in her response, when you think back on them, they don't seem to be that important.
Also, for me, I never had an example of fighting from my parents like most people seem to have. I never heard my parents raise their voice to one another or even really argue. If they ever fought, I never knew about it. I think that because I grew up with that example, I never knew it was an option. I know they had discussions with each other about things because they would refer back to these conversations. They have been married for 36 years, so something must be working.
Post a Comment