"Read everything before doing anything"

Did you ever have an assignment like this in elementary school? We did. There was a long list of directons. Number 1 on the list said, "Read everything before doing anything." Number 2 said, "Write your name at the top of the paper." Those two directions were followed by a long and difficult list of tasks for third graders. Multiply 294 by 367. Draw a star around the answer. In the top right corner of the paper write out your mother's maiden name spelled backwards. Think of your favorite color. On the back of your paper, draw an animal that starts with the third letter of that color. And so on and so forth. The very last direction (number 98 or so) said, "Do nothing but numbers 1 and 2."

In third grade, I got this right. I read it all, wrote my name on the top, and handed it in to my teacher while everyone else was busy figuring out the alphabetical order of the planets and drawing various shapes and animals. I was a little confused why I was the only one turning my paper in, but my teacher reassured me in a whisper, "You're the only one who followed the directions: Read everything before doing anything!" Apparently I'm not so good anymore.

Today I got my absentee ballot for Pennsylvania in the mail. I was an eager beaver to fill it out, because for a PA absentee vote to be counted it has to be received by Oct 29. So I opened it up right away and got to work. There were several envelopes and a couple pieces of paper. I couldn't find any good directions, so I was trying to make do with what they told me. Thus started my litany of mistakes.

First, I couldn't figure out how the ballot worked. There was a paper with a list of names and numbers, and then the punchcard with just numbers. They didn't line up. Eventually I figured out you just have to punch the numbers of the people you want, without lining them up, and despite the fact there are about 20 times the amount of numbers on the card as on the list of people.

The punch card ballot was stapled to a styrofoam backing. The top of the ballot is detachable. To my credit, it was already half detached when I got it. I was paranoid to make sure all my chads were fully detached, but unfortunately in this process I fully detached the ballot. It specifically says, "Don't detach ballot. It will be detached by officials when put in the ballot box." Crap! Can I write a little note explaining? Probably not. I compromised by sticking a small piece of scotch tape on to keep it together.

Problem number 2: I have to stick my ballot in this little sheef thing to cover up the numbers I punched out. Anyways, looking at pictures explaining the process, it seemed I had to unstaple the punchcard from the styrofoam so I could put it in here. I can't find a staple remover, but I use a nail file to pry open the staples and stick the card in.

At this point, from somewhere I find the real directions. "Step 4. After voting, slip the secrecy write-in cover over the ballot card so that your choices are hidden. DO NOT REMOVE THE CARD FROM ITS WHITE STYRO-BACKER." (I didn't add those caps, they are like tha tin the directions) Crap! I already removed mine! Okay, well, I just staple it back on exactly as it was.

It is now that I notice the "Check list for voter" which says "Do not use scotch tape on ballot, tear it, or mutilate it." Crap! I scotch taped my ballot together when it came detached. I carefully try to pull off the scotch tape (that suddenly is working better than any other scotch tape I have ever used) without "tearing" or "mutilating" the ballot. It looks like I succeed okay.

I put the ballot in the return envelope and seal it, worried as heck already if I discounted my own vote. Then, of course, I notice on the directions that there are two envelopes. There is a small white one just marked "Official Absentee Ballot" that I'm supposed to seal my ballot in before putting it in the return envelope. Well, yes, you can guess what I did: sealed it in hte return envelope without putting it in the "Official Absentee Ballot" envelope. So I try to neatly open the envelope (which still rips considerably), put the ballot inthe smaller envelope, and then back in the return envelope, which clearly looks like someone opened it now. To top it off, I need to tape it closed since the licking stuff won't work twice, and I used the last bit of my tape illegally taping my ballot back together.

All this work for an absentee ballot, and it seems like the odds are stacked against me in them counting it. Sigh. Voting shouldn't be this hard! It's like they are trying to keep people from voting!

Not only that, but there is this label on my return envelope with my name and county and ward number, stuff like that. The scary part is that I noticed there is a letter on the label denoting the party I'm registered under. Now, call me paranoid, but what is keeping some mail handler/county official of the opposite party from seeing my party affiliation and then trashing my ballot before it makes it to the ballot box. I feel like this kind of kills the idea of "secret ballot", since a lot of people vote their party affiliation.

Ug. I am moving to Canada.